fly with heart;

as the door closed she hugged herself tightly, shielding her heart from her imaginary villains. frail arms and quivering eyelashes could not keep evil out and it entered her heart, piercing her soul, feeding on her mind.

i used to tell you i love you
where my(love) = love x infinity x infinity
where love = constant
but the math junkie in me secretly refused to accept that flawed equation

now i wonder if it was wrong to have told you a lie

the truth is that
one i dont really love you x infinity (x infinity)
two love is not constant and cannot be equated (let alone measured)

to clarify to rephrase
one i will always love you as much as my entire being allows
two love has its ups and downs but refer to number one

in retrospect all i should have told you was i love you
with no equations no conditions
with no constants no variables

but the math junkie in me secretly keeps in mind
that me + you = love

 
 
- - -

brainfart anyone?

as she danced,
the s t a r d u s t
scattered and fell
        and fell
    and fell.
it seemed gravity
was present
even in her
dreams.

"don't let gravity take its toll," was all he said to me.

at that time i never really understood what he meant so i kept his words in my head in a box marked: "to be forgotten." sure enough when i woke up the following day, they were gone.

now, a year and a couple of months later, while pouring myself a cup of lukewarm coffee, his words reverberated in my mind, like a lost ball looking for its owner, frantically, restlessly. "gravity, huh," i said to him in my imagination, and the imaginary him just shrugged knowingly.

wearily, i set the coffee on my desk, spilling a bit on old reports and my mickey mousepad (it was funny at the time). "it'll clean itself up," i heard myself mumbling to nobody at all while re-reading the email a good friend had sent. she was telling us all about how much she enjoyed her job in that other country; i could see right through her lies. she was homesick and tired and stressed and pressured. i knew her the most.

as if on cue, a messenger window popped up on my screen--another old friend asking if i had read the email. "yeah," i typed, unsure of what to say next. "so, how are you?" i settled on a question. he was fine, he replied, and getting ready for his marriage. congratulations, mandatory oohs and aahs of happiness, couldn't be more happy for you and her. remember that one time when...? hahaha, yeah, i remember, they were...

talking about the past couldn't help but make me smile but soon enough the bitter memories started to catch up. i alt-tabbed to check on my work (or perhaps to distract myself, who knows) and the taskbar lighted up like an ignored christmas light in february. "i'm inviting everyone. you know, everyone. i know we haven't seen each other in the longest time, and until now i don't know what happened to us, but i hope this time, we'll get together... like the old times."

"yeah, well, you can't fight gravity," was the only thing i could say.

she was lost; she was lost. silently, she cursed herself--dumb fuck.

There are too many unanswered questions in life that makes me think of giving up, sometimes. You'll never get an answer even if you ask a billion, trillion times so what's the point of asking, let alone living, if all it means to live is to ask questions that won't ever be answered? People tell you to have faith and that will make life worth living, knowing that there is a Supreme Good who made us and loves us and won't ever abandon us. Sure, it works for them, but you see, not everyone believes that anymore. Especially not me.

To the north of where I live is one of the many areas where impoverished people live. They scavenge among mountains of garbage in order to survive and feed their families. They can barely read and they live in shanties, little makeshift houses made from planks of wood and plywood. To the south of where I live is where the rich people live, people who can afford to buy new cars every year, people who send their kids to prestigious universities and buy them designer clothing and bags.

Being in the middle of this social balance makes me think. Sometimes, at night, I can't sleep. I think and think and think of the people who can barely afford to eat rice with salt and I think and think and think of the people who spend huge amounts of money in posh restaurants and not eat everything they order. Why the injustice, if God truly, really cares for man? Why the stark contrast in the same social setting? Why such apathy?

Religion has answers for these questions, I am sure, but I have no faith in religion anymore. Religion in this country is brittle and doubtful in the way that its followers are two-faced hypocrites. Religion in this country is another means to gain power at the cost of your chastity. Religion in this country is a culture, a meaningless tradition and nothing more. It promotes values which are, in a way, sensible and right, but are not flexible and do not keep up with the advancements of society.

I do not believe in religion. Frankly, I don't know what to believe in anymore. My mind is a mess and I have no one to talk to about this except for my pessimistic boyfriend who thinks the world is doomed. I don't want to believe that life is this meaningless and miserable. I don't believe that it is--but it's not exactly paradise. You can't really say that life is life because that's circular reasoning and even if it makes sense, there has to be some other explanation, some other way to define what this is.

I don't know how to make you feel better. I wish I could take all your pain away and make everything good again for you, but I'm afraid I can't do that. Even if I could, I wouldn't do that for you. You have to learn to stand up by yourself, love. All I can do is support you.

Sir Anton said the same thing. We can only watch and guide our friends as they go on their way to becoming themselves.

I love you; stay strong. If not for yourself, then for me.

I love you I love you I love you I love you x infinity. :P

Everywhere. You're in my coffee, in my car, in that lady's desk, in the taxi that just passed. You're just around the corner, you're in the elevator, you're riding that jeepney. You're even in this hospital room.

You're in my hair, you're in my clothes, you're in my eyelashes. You're in the gaps between my fingers.

You're in my tears, you're every molecule in that tear, and that one, and that one too. You're in every swallow, every sniff, every ragged breath.

You're wondering probably what you're doing in every little thing that I see.

Well, it's simple.

You are my star.